Several
years ago, during the process of dealing with yet another painful
situation she was going through, a friend of mine experienced a deep
connection with her own feelings and needs. I like to refer to this
as a connection with her core self. In that moment of clarity she
exclaimed ''bloody awareness!''
She
realised, or rather, re-realised that 'the secret' of whether you
react to situations and outside triggers or whether you respond to
the outside world acting from your core in harmony with your values
is very simple – awareness. To me, the difference in quality of my
every experience lies in whether I am present in the here and now
witnessing my own thoughts, feelings, needs and my responses, or not.
Coming
back to my friend, this situation brought her to a realisation that,
still more often then she would have liked, she reacted to outside
triggers from the point of unawareness. She responded without any
connection to what was happening inside of her, (in the very moment
of reaction). Hence, with a large dose of humour and relief, and a
slight dose of frustration, sarcasm and playfulness she called it the
''bloody awareness''.
Some time after this instance with my dear
friend I was in a session with a client. Even though this person was
dealing with different situations and emotions, she was going through
a similar process of realisation that what made the difference
between what she felt and how she behaved in challenging situations
was really her state of awareness. In that moment I witnessed in her
a very similar mixture of emotions: relief, playfulness and a slight
frustration with herself for “not getting it earlier” (old habits
die hard - we reproach ourselves for being unaware about our
unawareness in the moment of unawareness!). In that moment of shared
tenderness and playfulness I told her about the expression my friend
used in a similar moment – bloody awareness – and this really
spoke to the client. It seemed to have captured the moment she was
experiencing. Like my friend, the client, and myself, most of us at
some time in our process of personal development and growth go
through a stage of believing that awareness is something that we
either have or do not have.
Since
that time several years ago, my friend - and more importantly myself
- have moved further on our respective journeys of self discovery. As
we move along this journey, our understanding of and relationship
with awareness had developed from bloody awareness to experiencing it as a
trusted companion and very dear friend to finally becoming
beautiful awareness, experienced as a precious gift that it truly
is.
At this moment in my life I know, and that is knowing of my
being rather than the acquired knowledge, that awareness is not
something we have and therefore can loose. Rather, awareness is a
state of being, it is who we are. Beyond and under all the
conditioning, learned behaviours, protection, planning for the future
or wanting to reverse the past with our shoulds, deep in our core, in
this very moment, we are pure awareness. We just need to allow
ourselves to be that. Easier said than practiced, because sometimes
my mind still tends to run here, there and everywhere and I tend to
run after it. In the midst of this noise and chaos I loose touch with
the now and my core, and on the surface I become unaware of my deeper
awareness...my true nature.
