Season of Giving

In the last few days I've been thinking a lot about this phrase ''season of giving.'' We often refer to this time of year in December before and around Christmas and New Year (or Saint Nicholas here in the Netherlands where I live) as the season of giving. And while so much meaning is contained in the word giving we often reduce it to mean exchange of presents. Of course nothing is wrong with giving a present to another person, on the contrary it could be such an act of joy and pleasure for both the giver and the receiver. 

 

What bothers me about reducing of the word giving to mere exchange of presents is the fact that very often we buy presents for the sake of buying them, because it is Christmas and we are supposed to give a present to, for example, our brother-in-love, whom we actually do not even know that well. Apart from the fact that he plays golf and likes his garden we do not really know who he actually is, what he likes and dislikes. So we play it safe and once again, for the fifth year in a row, we buy him a book. The only variation is in the subject, last year it was a book about gardening and this year it is a humorous one about golf and golfers. He, in exchange, is giving you yet another book on vegetarian cooking, although this time it is ''Mediterranean Vegetarian Dishes'' as oppose to ''Indian Vegetarian Cooking'' the one he gave you last year. A lovely book, and, yes I acknowledge, he tried to match the subject to at least something he know about you for sure, the fact that you area vegetarian. OK, I recognize that he tried his best, given your level of closeness, but what have you really shared? Has this exchange of 'polite' presents brought you any closer or has it actually contributed to keeping you at a safe distance ensuring that you relate only through easy understandable labels such as gardener, golfer, vegetarian that you innocently have attached to each other?

What I am missing in this massive buying, spending and presents exchange exercise that all of us in our Western societies engage in during this ''season of giving'' is true deeper sharing, giving from the heart, be it a kind word, a smile, forgiveness or just a place in a queue to a total stranger.

Hence, what I really miss and would like to see more of is: giving a bit more of ourselves, giving as sharing, giving without expecting anything in return and giving not just to those that we know and are close to us, but also to those we do not know, even if it is just a kind smile of acknowledgement. In a way, what I would like to see is that we spend less time frantically running about spending more money, to get more things, to fill more space around us, all in hope that it would make us happier and more satisfied. Rather, I would like all of us to give more of our time, our thoughts and our heart to each other.

It seems that we are mistaking our needs for sharing, connection, caring and love with our strategy of giving material things to each other. As if giving you more material stuff would give you more love and care. How much love and caring is a new huge LCD screen or the latest iPhone worth? Will that new iPhone really contribute to our connecting with each other on a deeper level, giving each other the gift of our shared humanity? Or shall we use it as a gadget which enables us to have ever faster speed of connectivity without much to say to or share with each other?

Would you be able to see it as a gift if I open my heart and told you that in this season of giving all I have to give is my vulnerability? Would you be able to hear my sharing, my need to be seen and heard without hearing a criticism of you? Would you be able receive my sharing as a true gift, or would it come to you as a burden and demand on your already too tight schedule and life?

I hope that in this season of giving we all stop for a moment and we connect with our own heart and ask ourselves: what is it that I wish to share with those dear to me? What is the most precious gift I can give them? And then, do not stop there, also ask ourselves: 'what is that friend wishing to give me?' Have I received a present, but missed the gift that she is giving me through it? How can I ensure that receiving is already in the joy of giving? And how can I when receiving recognize the intention of the giver and with it double the joy for both of us?
And of course before asking any of those questions, maybe we all can stop and ask ourselves what that most precious gift is that I wish to give to myself.  Is it a bit more kindness, a bit more love, or is it just time to chill? My very close friends  is ''dreaming of being able to just sit down and watch a Xmas movie while drinking tea, and there is nowhere to rush, and there is no one (read: the children 😉'' she wrote) ''to ask me for something, rather i just doze off and by the time I wake up the movie is over 😂.''

Maybe you can find your simple version of kindness and giving both to yourself and others. And if you have trouble finding those little ideas of kindness then have a look at the Kindness Calendar above or at the actionforhappiness.org for inspiration. 

I wish you all happy giving and receiving season!

P.S. I also wish to express my gratitude to the Action for Happiness  for this very inventive idea and a gift of Kindness Calendar.

If you like this article, please share it with whomever you think can enjoy or benefit from it. And please make a comment or let me know what is the best gift you would like to give or receive.

Lessons in Love: Love in a Cup

Lessons in love are hiding in almost every moment and situation of our life. The question is whether we are ready to take an opportunity to live that moment fully and whether we are going to stay open to receiving a lesson in love that this moment and situation have the potential to teach us.

I've had one of these situations earlier this week. I woke up feeling a bit heavy, sluggish and not quite alert. One of those mornings when coffee becomes a basic and essential need rather than just a strategy to meeting some of my needs, such as, for example: awareness, being present and energy. As I went to the kitchen to make coffee, my partner, Jerry, offered to make that coffee for me. I accepted it gladly and went out to the terrace to enjoy the tranquility of the early morning sun and the many summer smells. I  allowed birds to awaken me with their singing.

When Jerry brought me the coffee I started sipping with pleasure and decided to read some inspirational text to contribute to my need for inner peace and self-connection. Most of the short stories I was reading were about living kindness through action, living from your heart, making ordinary moments extraordinary through sharing our humanness and love – inspiring indeed!

A half hour after my first coffee, Jerry asked whether I would enjoy another one. Still not fully awakened I was grateful for the offer and accepted it with both hands. There came the second coffee served in my favourite cup. I looked at it and even before saying thank you judgmental thoughts such as ''oh the cup is too full'' and ''he has probably heated too much milk and poured it all in'', started racing through my mind.

Now those who know me well, probably even those who met me a few times only, have realised that coffee, especially in the morning is a sacred ritual for me. I am very particular (you can even read it as stuck-up and close minded ) about what kind of coffee I like, as well as how I like to take it. It has to be strong, but not bitter. I am not a fan of dark roast, I prefer beans from Latin and Central America rather than those from Africa or Asia. It should be served with hot milk, not just slightly warm, and there should be neither too much nor too little milk added...

Well, now, you probably just by reading the above are thinking that if you ever meet me, you'd never attempt to serve me a cup of coffee. However, Jerry has taken on that challenge many times and he has learned to make it just the way I want it. You see, my well-being, even when it takes a quirky form about coffee, has been important enough for him, so that when he gives me a gift of coffee, (or any other gift for that matter) he makes it in a way that I can truly experience it as a gift, the way I like it and enjoy in it fully.

So here we were with the second cup of coffee in front of me, my judgements flying through my head, and before I even stopped for a moment to look at those judgements, I heard myself blurting out ''you know, you do not have to put all the milk that you have heated in the coffee!'' Calmly, without any aggression or even offence in his voice Jerry replied ''before you judge, perhaps, you can hear what I did and what my intention was.'' He continued by saying he made a batch of coffee to which he added hot milk, only to realise that the coffee looked a bit too white, so he proceeded to make another batch of coffee, which he added to the original in order to make it just the colour I like and to taste exactly the way I like it. His intention was to ensure he made me a cup of coffee that would give me joy.

Hearing this I stopped for a moment, I was able to recognise and laugh at the irony of the situation. There I was getting inspiration from reading about love and human kindness, yet failing to recognise and receive it when it was right in front of me. This was a moment of awareness and I just allowed my heart to open in the now in this new moment and I allowed the truth of my humanness to penetrate me. Yes, I wish to live my life from my heart allowing flow of love and kindness to and from it. And yes, at the same time, sometimes, I still react from my conditioned and judgemental mind before I allow my heart to open and before I give myself the time to act in line with my heart and its desire to live from love and kindness.

So yes, I have missed the initial gift of love expressed through that cup of coffee, but I did not need to miss the lesson. By catching myself in the negativity of my reaction, I was at the point  of choosing: On one side I could continue staying closed and reactive and on the other side I could choose to open myself to be touched by love and the intention of care and nurturing that my partner had put into making that cup of coffee. By choosing to open my heart I have also opened myself to learning from the situation and receiving a lesson in love.

Sometimes, actually most of the time, love is hidden in small things, in small gestures or in a few words, and sometimes like in my case, described above, it was hidden in a cup of coffee filled to the brim with love.

If you've liked this article or if you know someone who is interested in reading about personal development and self-improvement, please forward this email to them. Let's share and grow from each other's experience.

Together with my above mentioned partner Jerry I give relationship workshops and retreats for more info please click here.

Daring to be vulnerable

Last week I posted a blog under the title Protection vs. Connection. In this blog I also wrote that 'our readiness to experience, show and share our own vulnerability' is a pre-requisite for creating and experiencing a true, deep and genuine connection with others.

Yes, the theory, is fine but am I practising what I've been preaching? Am I really daring to show my vulnerability where it matters? Am I sharing something important to me with people that are important to me and by doing so exposing a part of myself? Am I daring to stretch my comfort zone beyond what feels emotionally safe?

Before answering above questions let me first give you a bit of context. Writing has not always been easy for me. You could ask me to speak on any subject, at any time, and I could talk the hind legs off a donkey. However, if you were to ask me to write down what I had just spoken about with relative ease, I could end up sitting behind a PC for a long time before anything comprehensible would come up on the screen. Why that was, you might ask. Well, in the past, writing posed such a challenge for me because I used to believe that I was not good at it. I actually believed that there was such a thing as perfection. Of course, when measuring myself against imaginary perfect yard stick I ended up feeling that whatever I wrote was never good enough and therefore not worth sharing.

Luckily some years ago when I learned not only to accept but more importantly to love myself as I was/am. I realised that our perfection lies actually in our imperfections. Our imperfections make us so uniquely who we are. They also teach us to be truly humble and from that point we are much more able to get in touch with our own humanity and that of other people. We learn to give ourselves and others a break!

So yes, I gave myself one of those breaks a few moths ago when I decided to start writing and more importantly posting a blog. I knew that potentially, via my blog, I could reach many people who would benefit from what I was writing about. At the same time I was also aware that through my blog I would be opening the door for critical comments from some readers, which in turn could trigger feelings of insecurity and hurt in me. That was a risk I was willing to take. I made a step in daring to be vulnerable by starting to write a blog on subjects that are dear to my heart and I know something about from my personal and professional experience, subjects relating to inner growth, personal development, compassionate or nonviolent communication, life coaching and similar.

Yes, with writing and publishing a blog I've been practsing what I've preached. I've dared to share publicly what is important to me and therefore to expose myself vulnerably. However there is a but here. Until the last week people reading my blog were mostly unknown to me, strangers around the world. And as majority of us know a disapproving comment from a stranger can never stimulate as much hurt as a comment from a friend or a close colleague. Even though I was daring greatly by writing and sharing my blog with the public there was still some room for more daring and for stretching my comfort zone. The next challenge was to share my blog with people who matter to me, the known public of friends and colleagues.

Hence, last week after publishing my blog Protection vs. Connection, I decided to make another step in daring to be vulnerable and to share the blog via facebook with a group of friends and colleagues from various walks of my life. In my message to them I acknowledged that sharing my writing with them was a daring act for me. I am very happy to say that my daring to share my vulnerability about writing with my friends has opened doors for a deeper connection with several of them.

Apart from experiencing this deeper connection I have also benefited from receiving valuable feedback. One friend pointed towards my tendency to write ''sentences of three line average!'' I am grateful for his comment because I have been aware of this tendency of mine. I've already tried to work on cutting my long sentences into shorter more manageable chunks and his comment is encouraging me to stay even more focused. Next to the feedback, this and several other friends have sent words of support both for my writing, as well as the blog. These messages not only have warmed my heart but have also given me encouragement to keep on writing and to keep daring to be vulnerable and show it. Last but not least, the whole process of writing and sharing it with others, and in so doing challenging my own emotional security boundaries, is contributing to my own inner growth and personal development.

I hope that this post will give you some encouragement and inspiration to dare to be vulnerable and make a move to expose yourself in whichever area of your life your vulnerability might be. I do understand that potentially there is a risk of getting hurt when you open up. However, from my experience the benefits of sharing and deeper connection with others, contribution you are able to give to others and inner growth that come from it are far greater then the risks.

Protection vs. Connection

We human beings are social creatures who are high wired for connection with other human beings. Connection with what is alive, in other words what is real, true and genuine in others with that what is real, true and genuine in us is one of our deepest basic needs and it is universal which means we all have it. What differs for all of us is not the need, but how we choose to meet that need. So what differs is a strategy that we apply to meet our need for connection (or any other need for that matter) and there are many strategies to meet that shared need for connection we all have. The strategies we choose will also differ from person to person, and will be influenced by the person we want to connect with, type of relationship we have with that person, as well as different points in life we find ourselves at in that particular moment.

Additionally, we are often not even in touch with our need for connection and, more often than not, we choose our strategies to meet this (and other needs) unconsciously. This means that our chances for a true genuine connection with others are greatly increased or reduced by the level of our own connection with our own feelings and needs. Think of it, if you are not in touch with what is going on within you in this moment, who is then connecting with others? And how can you connect with others genuinely and truthfully if you are not connected with what is real, genuine and true inside of you in this moment?

Nevertheless, you still have that need for connection with other human beings and in absence of true connection with yourself, that is to say your feelings and needs, you may try to relate to others through your opinions and beliefs, which are mostly, set, unexamined and static, hence, by definition they are not a true, genuine and real representation of your aliveness in this very moment. And if the other person is also not connected to their feelings and needs chances of two of you experiencing fulfilling connection are almost certain to be next to none. The more in touch we are with ourselves the more likely we are to connect with what is truly alive in others, with their feelings and needs, without projecting, criticising them for having those feelings, blaming ourselves, or taking responsibility for their feelings and for fulfilment of their needs. I am the only person that can fulfil my needs, you can only help me in my process but you are neither responsible, nor can you fulfil them for me.

It follows then that the self-connection with our own feelings and more importantly needs is a prerequisite for the quality of connection with any other human being.

The second prerequisite for creating true, genuine connection is our readiness to experience, show and share our own vulnerability. Feeling of vulnerability leads us to another basic universal human need - emotional safety. Emotional safety is at the core of our very being and the more we are in touch with our feelings and needs the more we are embedded in our need for emotional safety. The more we know how to fulfil this need for ourselves the more we are ready to open up to others emotionally, that is to say show them our vulnerability.

When we are in touch with our need for emotional safety we open up, we try to connect by showing our vulnerability openly hoping that others can also receive our feelings and needs openly, as a gift rather than a burden. However, even if they cannot or do not want to receive us openly we have the trust that in such situations we can be emotionally safe. We contribute to our need for emotional safety by giving ourselves loving kindness in those moments when others cannot receive our vulnerable expression of our feelings and needs. By acknowledging our vulnerability and loving ourselves through it we create emotional safety for ourselves.

However, from early childhood onwards most of us have learned not to show openly our feelings let alone needs. For many vulnerability is being equated with being weak. Rather than teaching our children that being vulnerable takes courage and it is a daring thing to show your vulnerability, we teach them, mostly by our own example, to suppress their feelings, keep their feelings to themselves and to show ''brave face'', in other words not to show what they feel. How many adult men are unable to express their sadness because as children they were given a belief that ''big boys do not cry?'' And, how many women suppress their own needs on behalf of others because they were told when thy were young that ''good, polite girls always listen to and help other people first?'' Hence, from early childhood on majority of us learned to equate emotional safety with protecting ourselves from emotional hurt, which we try to ensure by not openly revealing our feelings and needs (neither those that are commonly referred to as negative e.g. anger, sadness, disappointment nor the positive ones e.g. happiness, joy, excitement). Most of us believe that we can protect our emotional safety by either not opening ourselves emotionally to others or by not openly receiving their emotions. However, what we actually achieve with protection is shutting ourselves off and by that we make ourselves even more susceptible to feeling hurt and isolated. Instead of increasing our level of emotional safety protection actually decreases our ability to meet that very need. While we are too busy trying to protect ourselves from vulnerability we are unable to realise that our emotional safety rests in our ability to be vulnerable.

Protection does not only decreases our chances of developing true emotional safety it also decreases our chances of true, genuine connection. How? Well, protection and connection work in diametrically opposite directions that is to say the more we protect emotionally the less able we are to experience true, genuine and deep connections. First and foremost when we try to protect ourselves we tend to suppress, numb and avoid any uncomfortable feelings (accidentally, when we try to numb the experience of pain in our life we also end up numbing the experience joy) and by doing so we are closing the door to self-connection. As we saw above if we are not connected with ourselves our chances of connecting with anyone else are hugely decreased and on top of that when we are protecting ourselves we are also highly unlikely to to be receptive to other people's feelings or to openly reveal what goes on within us. Therefore, protection is not only ineffective as a strategy for emotional safety it also disconnect us from ourselves as well as other people.

So the next time you are engaging with someone dear to you try to observe your behaviour. If that person says or does something that is not in line with your values notice what you feel. Is it irritation, frustration, hurt? And try to watch what you are doing. Are you trying to ignore or push those feelings aside? Are you trying to protect yourself by defending your position and opinion or by attacking? I believe that if you manage to pause for long enough to notice your behaviour, feelings and needs you might ask yourself: what am I doing here? Protecting myself. OK. And what do I actually want from this situation? If your answer is connection with my wife, child, etc. Then at least, I hope, you could remind yourself that you do not have to automatically react from your habitual protection mode, but that you have a choice to open yourself up vulnerably and in doing so open the door to connection with the other person.

Of course, like everything else this is the process of fine tuning between the level of vulnerability that still keeps you emotionally safe and the level of connection that is starting to go deeper than the surface. You rock the boat to the point that it can still safely sail, rather than to the point where you end up desperately trying to stabilise it and keep afloat which prevents it from sailing any further.

Holiday season: time of joy or time of sorrow?

Another year has almost gone by Thanksgiving, Christmas and the holiday season are upon us. It is said to be the season of gratefulness, season of joy, season of giving... Or is it? Instead, for many people this time of year is the time of summing up the records for the year behind and often this brings up sadness and emptiness they feel in their life. For many of us this is the time of increased anxiety and stress, weeks spent in fear and anticipation of the Thanksgiving and/or Christmas Day when instead of joy we experience hurt, sadness, annoyance or frustration, triggered by what we perceive as a judgement from a parent, insensitive comment by a partner or ungratefulness of our child. 
 
Instead of being open and connecting from the depth of our heart, expressing how we truly feel and what we value, we put on a mask, we pretend to be happy and to be enjoying ourselves for the sake of ''the peace and harmony in the family''. Instead of being true to ourselves we try to be 'nice' to others ending up either arguing with or withdrawing from (in order to protect ourselves) those who are supposed to be the closest to us: our parents, siblings, partner, children or in-laws. Another 'season of joy' is turning out to be a 'season of sadness and sorrow' for many. Instead of true connection and sharing we have just experienced yet another 'do not rock the boat pretend all is fine and we are a one great, happy family' moments.

This is not surprising, because since the early childhood most of us have learned to think and communicate in an impersonal way that does not require us to reveal what is going on inside of ourselves, but rather to think and speak in terms of 'rightness' and 'wrongness' of others, or ourselves. We focus our attention on demanding, criticising, blaming and judging ourselves and others instead of focusing on what we and others are feeling and needing. This kind of thinking and speaking, at best, creates misunderstandings. Mostly, though, it obstructs communication and at worst it leads to deep seated sadness and hurt, conflicts, broken relationships and divorces. 
 
Yet, it does not have to be so. Instead of our habitual way of communicating where we either 'fight-or-flight' we can learn to respond in an alternative way. We can dare to honestly express what is most alive in us and, at the same time, we stay open to receiving what others wish to share with us without hearing words of criticism, blame, judgement or demand. This alternative can be found in Nonviolent Communication (NVC), also known as Compassionate Communication. Developed in 1960s by Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg. NVC is based on principles of human interconnectedness and humanistic psychology. It offers us a powerful vehicle for relating to ourselves and others, using a simple, yet deeply powerful model for personal growth, as well as a method of healing interpersonal relationships, and, last but not least, a method for conflict resolution and mediation. NVC is based on the fundamental principle that all human beings have the same basic needs (e.g. food, shelter, security, freedom, respect, connection, meaning, etc.) and that everything we do is a way to try and meet our needs. Since all of us can identify with these basic needs, recognising, understanding, acknowledging and empathising with our own needs and those of others, as well as accepting that meeting needs of everyone involved is equally important, can create a shared basis for connection. We can, when connected at this level, give from the heart and contribute to peace, both our inner peace and the peace in the world.
 
Learning and practising NVC has changed my life, not only has it helped me to improve my personal relationships, but more importantly, it has brought me closer to myself, to understanding, accepting and loving myself and through that becoming more peaceful, understanding, accepting and loving of others. This journey has helped me see how important it is for me to share it with others with a hope that we all might benefit from this process. 
 
So if you have looked at the year behind feeling unhappy and dissatisfied with your life or 'stuck' in your relationships you can do something about it. It is possible to live a life of joy, it is possible to have an honest and close relationship, firstly with yourself, and then with your partner, parent and/or your child. of course, it is not always going to be easy. Just when you think 'yes I am in touch with my needs, I am feeling peaceful and loving' the life will send you a trigger, normally in the form of one of your cousins or siblings, telling you who you are or what you should do. In those moment the challenge would be to stop and allow yourself to act with a choice from connection with your needs rather than to react from a habit and your conditioned reflex. Those situations and triggers would be gifts (not that you would see them as such in those moments) disguised as challenges on your path to self discovery and authenticity. 

If you have reached that point in life where suppressing yourself and trying to protect yourself from vulnerability by hiding and loosing who you really are does not work for you any longer, then you can do something about it. There is no better time to start than now! You can make every season be the season of joy for you and those around you.
 
If you like this article, please forward it to whoever you think can benefit from it.

Gordana Stankovic is a counsellor and coach who integrates person centered approach with the NVC model. Gordana is available through phone/Skype and in person consultations, for more information please look at her website: www.livingpeacefully.eu or send her an e-mail:info@livingpeacefully.eu