Season of Giving

In the last few days I've been thinking a lot about this phrase ''season of giving.'' We often refer to this time of year in December before and around Christmas and New Year (or Saint Nicholas here in the Netherlands where I live) as the season of giving. And while so much meaning is contained in the word giving we often reduce it to mean exchange of presents. Of course nothing is wrong with giving a present to another person, on the contrary it could be such an act of joy and pleasure for both the giver and the receiver. 

 

What bothers me about reducing of the word giving to mere exchange of presents is the fact that very often we buy presents for the sake of buying them, because it is Christmas and we are supposed to give a present to, for example, our brother-in-love, whom we actually do not even know that well. Apart from the fact that he plays golf and likes his garden we do not really know who he actually is, what he likes and dislikes. So we play it safe and once again, for the fifth year in a row, we buy him a book. The only variation is in the subject, last year it was a book about gardening and this year it is a humorous one about golf and golfers. He, in exchange, is giving you yet another book on vegetarian cooking, although this time it is ''Mediterranean Vegetarian Dishes'' as oppose to ''Indian Vegetarian Cooking'' the one he gave you last year. A lovely book, and, yes I acknowledge, he tried to match the subject to at least something he know about you for sure, the fact that you area vegetarian. OK, I recognize that he tried his best, given your level of closeness, but what have you really shared? Has this exchange of 'polite' presents brought you any closer or has it actually contributed to keeping you at a safe distance ensuring that you relate only through easy understandable labels such as gardener, golfer, vegetarian that you innocently have attached to each other?

What I am missing in this massive buying, spending and presents exchange exercise that all of us in our Western societies engage in during this ''season of giving'' is true deeper sharing, giving from the heart, be it a kind word, a smile, forgiveness or just a place in a queue to a total stranger.

Hence, what I really miss and would like to see more of is: giving a bit more of ourselves, giving as sharing, giving without expecting anything in return and giving not just to those that we know and are close to us, but also to those we do not know, even if it is just a kind smile of acknowledgement. In a way, what I would like to see is that we spend less time frantically running about spending more money, to get more things, to fill more space around us, all in hope that it would make us happier and more satisfied. Rather, I would like all of us to give more of our time, our thoughts and our heart to each other.

It seems that we are mistaking our needs for sharing, connection, caring and love with our strategy of giving material things to each other. As if giving you more material stuff would give you more love and care. How much love and caring is a new huge LCD screen or the latest iPhone worth? Will that new iPhone really contribute to our connecting with each other on a deeper level, giving each other the gift of our shared humanity? Or shall we use it as a gadget which enables us to have ever faster speed of connectivity without much to say to or share with each other?

Would you be able to see it as a gift if I open my heart and told you that in this season of giving all I have to give is my vulnerability? Would you be able to hear my sharing, my need to be seen and heard without hearing a criticism of you? Would you be able receive my sharing as a true gift, or would it come to you as a burden and demand on your already too tight schedule and life?

I hope that in this season of giving we all stop for a moment and we connect with our own heart and ask ourselves: what is it that I wish to share with those dear to me? What is the most precious gift I can give them? And then, do not stop there, also ask ourselves: 'what is that friend wishing to give me?' Have I received a present, but missed the gift that she is giving me through it? How can I ensure that receiving is already in the joy of giving? And how can I when receiving recognize the intention of the giver and with it double the joy for both of us?
And of course before asking any of those questions, maybe we all can stop and ask ourselves what that most precious gift is that I wish to give to myself.  Is it a bit more kindness, a bit more love, or is it just time to chill? My very close friends  is ''dreaming of being able to just sit down and watch a Xmas movie while drinking tea, and there is nowhere to rush, and there is no one (read: the children 😉'' she wrote) ''to ask me for something, rather i just doze off and by the time I wake up the movie is over 😂.''

Maybe you can find your simple version of kindness and giving both to yourself and others. And if you have trouble finding those little ideas of kindness then have a look at the Kindness Calendar above or at the actionforhappiness.org for inspiration. 

I wish you all happy giving and receiving season!

P.S. I also wish to express my gratitude to the Action for Happiness  for this very inventive idea and a gift of Kindness Calendar.

If you like this article, please share it with whomever you think can enjoy or benefit from it. And please make a comment or let me know what is the best gift you would like to give or receive.

Lessons in Love: Love in a Cup

Lessons in love are hiding in almost every moment and situation of our life. The question is whether we are ready to take an opportunity to live that moment fully and whether we are going to stay open to receiving a lesson in love that this moment and situation have the potential to teach us.

I've had one of these situations earlier this week. I woke up feeling a bit heavy, sluggish and not quite alert. One of those mornings when coffee becomes a basic and essential need rather than just a strategy to meeting some of my needs, such as, for example: awareness, being present and energy. As I went to the kitchen to make coffee, my partner, Jerry, offered to make that coffee for me. I accepted it gladly and went out to the terrace to enjoy the tranquility of the early morning sun and the many summer smells. I  allowed birds to awaken me with their singing.

When Jerry brought me the coffee I started sipping with pleasure and decided to read some inspirational text to contribute to my need for inner peace and self-connection. Most of the short stories I was reading were about living kindness through action, living from your heart, making ordinary moments extraordinary through sharing our humanness and love – inspiring indeed!

A half hour after my first coffee, Jerry asked whether I would enjoy another one. Still not fully awakened I was grateful for the offer and accepted it with both hands. There came the second coffee served in my favourite cup. I looked at it and even before saying thank you judgmental thoughts such as ''oh the cup is too full'' and ''he has probably heated too much milk and poured it all in'', started racing through my mind.

Now those who know me well, probably even those who met me a few times only, have realised that coffee, especially in the morning is a sacred ritual for me. I am very particular (you can even read it as stuck-up and close minded ) about what kind of coffee I like, as well as how I like to take it. It has to be strong, but not bitter. I am not a fan of dark roast, I prefer beans from Latin and Central America rather than those from Africa or Asia. It should be served with hot milk, not just slightly warm, and there should be neither too much nor too little milk added...

Well, now, you probably just by reading the above are thinking that if you ever meet me, you'd never attempt to serve me a cup of coffee. However, Jerry has taken on that challenge many times and he has learned to make it just the way I want it. You see, my well-being, even when it takes a quirky form about coffee, has been important enough for him, so that when he gives me a gift of coffee, (or any other gift for that matter) he makes it in a way that I can truly experience it as a gift, the way I like it and enjoy in it fully.

So here we were with the second cup of coffee in front of me, my judgements flying through my head, and before I even stopped for a moment to look at those judgements, I heard myself blurting out ''you know, you do not have to put all the milk that you have heated in the coffee!'' Calmly, without any aggression or even offence in his voice Jerry replied ''before you judge, perhaps, you can hear what I did and what my intention was.'' He continued by saying he made a batch of coffee to which he added hot milk, only to realise that the coffee looked a bit too white, so he proceeded to make another batch of coffee, which he added to the original in order to make it just the colour I like and to taste exactly the way I like it. His intention was to ensure he made me a cup of coffee that would give me joy.

Hearing this I stopped for a moment, I was able to recognise and laugh at the irony of the situation. There I was getting inspiration from reading about love and human kindness, yet failing to recognise and receive it when it was right in front of me. This was a moment of awareness and I just allowed my heart to open in the now in this new moment and I allowed the truth of my humanness to penetrate me. Yes, I wish to live my life from my heart allowing flow of love and kindness to and from it. And yes, at the same time, sometimes, I still react from my conditioned and judgemental mind before I allow my heart to open and before I give myself the time to act in line with my heart and its desire to live from love and kindness.

So yes, I have missed the initial gift of love expressed through that cup of coffee, but I did not need to miss the lesson. By catching myself in the negativity of my reaction, I was at the point  of choosing: On one side I could continue staying closed and reactive and on the other side I could choose to open myself to be touched by love and the intention of care and nurturing that my partner had put into making that cup of coffee. By choosing to open my heart I have also opened myself to learning from the situation and receiving a lesson in love.

Sometimes, actually most of the time, love is hidden in small things, in small gestures or in a few words, and sometimes like in my case, described above, it was hidden in a cup of coffee filled to the brim with love.

If you've liked this article or if you know someone who is interested in reading about personal development and self-improvement, please forward this email to them. Let's share and grow from each other's experience.

Together with my above mentioned partner Jerry I give relationship workshops and retreats for more info please click here.

Thoughts are like snowballs

Today's post is more like a morning thought captured and with a bit of imagination turned into a playful inspiration, rather than a fully developed blog. Of course, this last thought in the previous sentence ''a fully developed blog'' can lend itself to a whole new discussion on what my idea of blog is, what other people's opinions on that are, what blog should or should not be, etc. I am, however, choosing to stay focused and to store the thought on the blog, maybe for another discussion for another time.

So, thoughts are like snowballs. If you do not pay attention to a snowball when it is still small and on top of the hill it might soon start rolling down the hill becoming bigger, faster and more forceful. Once the snowball gets the momentum going it is likely to create an avalanche and in the process it will destroy many beautiful things that find themselves in its way. However, if you catch that small snowball when it is still on the top of the hill, if you take it into your hands, you get playful and creative with it you can roll it into any shape you like. You can make a beautiful snowman out of it, or if you take more time, get even more involved with it and apply more skills to it, starting from that small snowball you can develop it into a wonderful and safe igloo house that can shelter you from a snow storm.

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It is similar with thoughts, if you leave them unchecked they will get a momentum and start running through your mind one after the other with increasing speed. Before you know it you'll be spinning around with worry and feeling out of control. If, however, you capture that first thought and you inquire into it with awareness and you stay open to whatever comes you can awaken your playful creativity and joy.

So, next time you notice a thought, stop for a moment and look at it with awareness. Capture that thought, make a friend and a playful companion of it, before it gets the momentum of its own and starts running wild, avalanching through your mind, creating chaos and devastation in the process.

Thank you for reading and please forward it to those who you think would enjoy reading it.

Please leave a comment, if this post has touched you in any way.

Daring to be vulnerable

Last week I posted a blog under the title Protection vs. Connection. In this blog I also wrote that 'our readiness to experience, show and share our own vulnerability' is a pre-requisite for creating and experiencing a true, deep and genuine connection with others.

Yes, the theory, is fine but am I practising what I've been preaching? Am I really daring to show my vulnerability where it matters? Am I sharing something important to me with people that are important to me and by doing so exposing a part of myself? Am I daring to stretch my comfort zone beyond what feels emotionally safe?

Before answering above questions let me first give you a bit of context. Writing has not always been easy for me. You could ask me to speak on any subject, at any time, and I could talk the hind legs off a donkey. However, if you were to ask me to write down what I had just spoken about with relative ease, I could end up sitting behind a PC for a long time before anything comprehensible would come up on the screen. Why that was, you might ask. Well, in the past, writing posed such a challenge for me because I used to believe that I was not good at it. I actually believed that there was such a thing as perfection. Of course, when measuring myself against imaginary perfect yard stick I ended up feeling that whatever I wrote was never good enough and therefore not worth sharing.

Luckily some years ago when I learned not only to accept but more importantly to love myself as I was/am. I realised that our perfection lies actually in our imperfections. Our imperfections make us so uniquely who we are. They also teach us to be truly humble and from that point we are much more able to get in touch with our own humanity and that of other people. We learn to give ourselves and others a break!

So yes, I gave myself one of those breaks a few moths ago when I decided to start writing and more importantly posting a blog. I knew that potentially, via my blog, I could reach many people who would benefit from what I was writing about. At the same time I was also aware that through my blog I would be opening the door for critical comments from some readers, which in turn could trigger feelings of insecurity and hurt in me. That was a risk I was willing to take. I made a step in daring to be vulnerable by starting to write a blog on subjects that are dear to my heart and I know something about from my personal and professional experience, subjects relating to inner growth, personal development, compassionate or nonviolent communication, life coaching and similar.

Yes, with writing and publishing a blog I've been practsing what I've preached. I've dared to share publicly what is important to me and therefore to expose myself vulnerably. However there is a but here. Until the last week people reading my blog were mostly unknown to me, strangers around the world. And as majority of us know a disapproving comment from a stranger can never stimulate as much hurt as a comment from a friend or a close colleague. Even though I was daring greatly by writing and sharing my blog with the public there was still some room for more daring and for stretching my comfort zone. The next challenge was to share my blog with people who matter to me, the known public of friends and colleagues.

Hence, last week after publishing my blog Protection vs. Connection, I decided to make another step in daring to be vulnerable and to share the blog via facebook with a group of friends and colleagues from various walks of my life. In my message to them I acknowledged that sharing my writing with them was a daring act for me. I am very happy to say that my daring to share my vulnerability about writing with my friends has opened doors for a deeper connection with several of them.

Apart from experiencing this deeper connection I have also benefited from receiving valuable feedback. One friend pointed towards my tendency to write ''sentences of three line average!'' I am grateful for his comment because I have been aware of this tendency of mine. I've already tried to work on cutting my long sentences into shorter more manageable chunks and his comment is encouraging me to stay even more focused. Next to the feedback, this and several other friends have sent words of support both for my writing, as well as the blog. These messages not only have warmed my heart but have also given me encouragement to keep on writing and to keep daring to be vulnerable and show it. Last but not least, the whole process of writing and sharing it with others, and in so doing challenging my own emotional security boundaries, is contributing to my own inner growth and personal development.

I hope that this post will give you some encouragement and inspiration to dare to be vulnerable and make a move to expose yourself in whichever area of your life your vulnerability might be. I do understand that potentially there is a risk of getting hurt when you open up. However, from my experience the benefits of sharing and deeper connection with others, contribution you are able to give to others and inner growth that come from it are far greater then the risks.